Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.
“Dachshund Through the Snow.”
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
“Having those weird conversations with your friend and thinking “if anyone heard us, we’d be put in a mental facility.”
— Unknown
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
Those little darlings
With their angelic eyes
Look harmless enough
But beneath their disguise
They’re nothing but thugs
With pure evil intent
These spawn of Satan
Are not heaven sent
These foul blackguards
Going about their sport
They say “Trick or treat”
As they happily extort
They squirt fake blood
On my front door
They egg my new car
I can’t take any more
I sit counting the minutes
Am I the only one?
Who just can’t wait
Till Halloween is done.
- Paul Curtis
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson
"Grandparents' Advice"
Don't pamper the baby,
Don't run to each cry;
Don't rock that new infant
And don't lullaby;
Don't coddle or cuddle,
That's all there is to it!
Don't spoil that sweet baby
Let us grandparents do it!
– Mary R. Hurley
I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they are always butting in.
I think you’re incredi-bowl.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Ants in your plants.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
What is a nurse’s favorite element?
Healium.
I'm gonna quit my job on a submarine
I'm under a lot of pressure
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
What is Julius Caesar's favorite food?
Roman noodles
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
How does santa get his Reindeer to fly? He uses Red Bull because it gives you wings!
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
Time to celery-brate.
Are you a New Years resolution? Because we stopped working out after the first two weeks
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
When I was a student, I was worried that my housemates would be annoyed if I ran off with some of their kitchen utemsils. But that was a whisk I was willing to take.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
What do you call someone who eats too many eggs?
An egg-oholic.
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.