Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.
The people upstairs all practise ballet
Their living room is a bowling alley
Their bedroom is full of conducted tours.
Their radio is louder than yours,
They celebrate week-ends all the week.
When they take a shower, your ceilings leak.
They try to get their parties to mix
By supplying their guests with Pogo sticks,
And when their fun at last abates,
They go to the bathroom on roller skates.
I might love the people upstairs more
If only they lived on another floor.
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
What is the shortest month of the year?
M-A-Y.
Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Sit back and relax… I fix broken hearts.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
Accidentally spilled frosting all over the freezer.
Going to leave it be though, since the freezer has an auto defrost feature.
"Summer does mean no school for my children. Hey, who doesn’t deserve a three-month break after a rigorous year of kindergarten?"
– Jim Gaffigan
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
Man is Fatally Slain.
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
I went to the doctor with hearing problems. He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, “Homer’s the big dude and Marge has blue hair...”
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
A pilot friend of mine took the flight exam and flew past a rainbow. No wonder, he passed with flying colors.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Hey baby are you American cheese because you come as a single now.
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
What style of classical music do sheep most enjoy?
Baa-roque
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Why was the werewolf arrested at the butchers shop?
He was caught chop lifting.
What's the difference between a Roman and an Irish Catholic?
The strength of the communion wine.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
George Carlin
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? Swimming trunks. Where do bees go to the bathroom? At the BP station!