What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A stomach-cake!
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
Why didn’t the lamp sink?
It was too light.
Why don't baseball players join unions?
They don't like to be called out on strike.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
I really caribou-t you.
I recently got two German Shepherds. Because
I wanted some paw-dy guards.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
When the ghost blew his nose, lots of boo-gers came out.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow.” – Carl Fox (Martin Sheen)Wall Street
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark's teeth?
Slow swimmers.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
“Never criticize your spouse’s faults; if it weren’t for them, your mate might have found someone better than you.” —Jay Trachman
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
I recently learned that the Romans were renowned for their architecture.
Doesn't make much sense to me, considering it fell.
What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory
Today I helped father-in-law to fix his plants
it was very grounding.
I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers.
The Times are rough.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
What is the Easter Bunny's favorite drinking game?
Hop Scotch.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
“Summer is the annual permission slip to be lazy.”
– Regina Brett
What is a frog’s favorite drink on a hot summer day?
Croak-o-cola.
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
What is a Ghost’s favourite film? Paranormal Activity.
What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Lawyer: "Doctor, as a result of your examinations, would you say the woman was pregnant?"
Doctor: "Yes, she was pregnant, but not as a result of my examination."
(Taken from an actual trial)
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.