What kind of cheese makes the best music?
Brieoncé.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
Wow call me Eve, because you just made me feel like the only girl in the world
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season? Fall.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
"If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland." – Dave Barry
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Conductor on a train: “But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 19 years old!”
Me: "That's how long your delay was."
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Where you flying today? Because you landed in my heart.
Why are beavers so good in maths? They love log'arithms.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
What do you call a musician with problems? a trebled man.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What is a flower’s favorite vegetable?
Cauliflower.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
What is a koala’s favorite pop singer? Koala Rae Jepsen. Her most popular song? “Koala Me Maybe”.
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Urine.
Urine who?
Urine trouble if you don’t answer the door.
When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”—Buddy Hackett
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What do you say to you, me, and our dogs getting together sometime to raise the ruff?
"It's rude to count people as you pass them. Out loud."
From an Adidas ad
What happened when the koala house party got a little too far out of hand? One of the neighbors koalaed the cops.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I’ll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss."
~ Jim Murray
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.