How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!
France – it’s just a oui bit different!
What happens when you cross a cell phone with a skunk?
You get stinky service!
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Where do mathematicians like to party?
In bar graphs.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
I think i spent way too much on this table. It is just not a foldable.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
"No body won the skeleton race."
What do you get if you cross a talking parrot with a gorilla?
I am not sure but if he says something you better damn well listen.
You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other -- so now it's just a waiting game.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
Excuse me, would you like a raisin? No? How about a date then?
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
My teacher told me in History class to do some light reading on the history of the light bulb.
Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I can’t rhyme,
Banana
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
What do you call a cat that has a hundred legs? A cat-erpillar.
It’s so hot the Statue of Liberty was asked to lower her arm.
A friend of mine was describing an exotic bird to me and asked what was orange and sounded like a parrot. I told him, "A carrot".
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
The best part of astrology is reading your daily horror-scope.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
What do elves learn when they go to school?
The elf-abet.
What do you call dogs who pay in the snow?
Slush puppies.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Comb
Comb who?
Comb on down and I'll tell you!
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
If four plus four equals eight, then me plus you equals fate.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What do the lady pigs say when someone leaves the toilet seat up? “Hoof-orgot to put the seat down?"
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.