Why did the banana go to see the doctor? The banana was not peeling very well.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.
Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.
Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.
Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.
(M. Tarun Prasad)
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
They told me I was too old to hunt for Easter eggs, but the jokes on them!
I prefer mine poached.
Can I hold your hand?
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
Hey babe, now that the season's over, lets go back to my place and watch the highlight film.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic
That’s a nice Witch costume, but you won’t be needing the broom anymore, because you’ve already swept me off my feet.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
It's getting hard to zinc of new science puns because so many of them argon.
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
Belize let me hold you.
Went on a walk today. Had a couple of crows following me around. I'm pretty sure I have the corvid.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
My friend said he got a package containing soaps from around the world...
But it was a pack of lyes.
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
You might as well go for a younger guy. Why?
They never mature anyway.
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“I’ve never met an animal I didn’t like, and I can’t say the same thing about people.”
- Doris Day.
It’s so cold I saw Superman taking a taxi.
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm one of the fastest speed-readers in the tri-county area.
What did the father say to his falling son?
Son, you've got potential.
“You are one yoga class away from a good mood.” – Unknown
Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” —Jeff Valdez
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
I went to a mansion but everyone had bad etiquette.
It was a Bad Manor.