All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
“I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make. So I became a Mom.” – Unknown
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
SpaceX is launching astronauts today with a new space catapult
Bringing forth a new era of crude spaceflight.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
My sister was anxious to do some landscaping at her new home, but then she called up sounding hopeless.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get these trees planted,” she moaned. “It says to plant in full sun, but it’s been cloudy for four days.”
I’m feelin’ pine.
Only a**holes use bidets.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
You’re my lucky charm.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
Why did the grandma sit in the rocking chair with her rollerblades on?
Because she wanted to rock and roll.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
I’m not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
Are you an astronaut? Because I need some space.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Did you hear about the Pharaoh who was lying in the wrong coffin? He made a grave mistake.
A guy was storing all the facial hair since he was young and had created a huge pile.
When his wife told him to get rid of it, he said "no, it's a must stash".
I would never precede you with "which," baby, because you are essential to this clause.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
My foot isn't the only part of me that's lucky!
I HATE when homeless people shake their cans of change at me.
I get it, you have more money than me, you don't have to show off.
Why can’t I ever win a game returning serve? Give me a break.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
The last four letters of 'queue' are not silent
They're just waiting their turn.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I hate worms and snakes because they have no feet.
You might say that I am lacktoes intolerant.
Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator?
She couldn't find the "10" button.
I have an April fools joke going on with my landlord
I am not paying rent this April 1st hehe, don't tell him.