Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.
Girl, I know your wearing Nike, but I just won't do it.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Honeybee.
Honeybee who?
Honeybee a dear and open the door, please.
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
You’ve been here for short while, but my heart is beating really fast and I can feel some surface tension between us.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
Girls just wanna have sun.
Baby, you're a firework.
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
Where do recluses live in Spain?
Barceloner.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
"I'm divorcing my wife. I've had enough, I'm going to leave her."
"Why?"
"She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past midnight and I'm fed up with it".
"What's she doing?"
"She's looking for me!"
Hey baby, how many Gamma-ray bursts can your Milky Way take?
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
Why did the engineer cross the road?
Because he looked in the files, and that’s what they did last time.
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I have a musician friend who is always upbeat. When she developed ringing in one ear, I asked whether her condition was especially annoying to a musician. She shook her head. “Not really,” she replied cheerfully. “The ringing sound is in the key of B flat, so I use it to tune my cello half a tone lower.”
There was an Old Man of Corfu,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he rushed up and down,
Till the sun made him brown,
That bewildered Old Man of Corfu.
Q. Will a sensible stag do something dangerous to impress a doe?
A. No, not even on a deer.
"Summer- the time when parents realize how underpaid teachers actually are"
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.”
Socrates
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
A photon turns up at check-in for a flight with no baggage. The check-in agent says "Traveling light?". He says "Yes, I am".
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
Scientists permit us to see the sun in different light.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!
What’s a spiders favorite barbecue food?
Corn on the cobweb.