What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Why did the baby chick cross the road?
It was a take-your-child-to-work day.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world."
— E. B. White
Did you hear about the guy who died when an axe fell on him? The police are calling it an axe-i-dent.
"Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is."
— P. J. O'Rourke
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
I wood never leaf you.
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
Earlier today someone sent me a bunch of flowers, but all the heads had been cut off.
I think I'm being stalked.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
Living in france must be hard
I mean, 100 dollars is only a cent.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
I just want you to know: I think you're El Salvadorable.
If you were a booger I'd pick you first.
I love you a tot!
The midget fortune teller who kills his customers is a small medium at large.
What do you call a baby monkey?
A chimp off the old block.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
A pig and a horse walk into a movie theater.
The horse didn't feel like buying popcorn so he brought some hay. A theater employee saw him and said. "Are you sneaking outside food into the theater?"
The horse said "nay."
The pig squealed.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
When are you going to invite me to church?
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
The pint’s the limit.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
Look who’s turning 100,
Your life couldn't be brighter,
With enough candles on your cake,
You have the world's best lighter.
(Kevin Nishmas)
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
"The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government."
- Barry Goldwater
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
I saw you walking by me,
And I fell for you right then.
The sun was shining on your face,
Your hair was blowing in the wind.
But something strange did happen,
A shimmer came across your face.
I blinked and suddenly you were gone,
My heart increased its pace.
I looked around to try and find you,
But alas, you left, you’d gone,
My beautiful reflection,
Washed away inside the pond.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.
The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.
“What’s the matter,” he asks.
“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.
“How do you know already?” he enquires.
“You’re still here.”
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.