Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
“Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.” — Steven Wright
What is the name of the knight that spreads all the rumors and news of the court and the king amongst the people? Sir Culate.
“Do what we can, summer will have its flies.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why did the baseball team recruit a tiny ghost?
Because they needed a little team spirit.
“I don’t like Sunday nights because you have to wake up to a Monday morning.”
Last night I turned my wife on by ironing one side of her shirt...
I was pressing all the right buttons.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He heard there were some hot chicks on the other side.
I get beavers and similar animals mixed up.
I otter know better.
Vine Thought of the Day: Choosy moms choose wine!
What is a wise, old priest's favorite kitchen appliance?
The deep friar.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.
Are you a barista? I like you a latte
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
“This is the mondayest Monday that ever mondayed.”
If I don’t make it to heaven, at least I know what hell feels like with this heat!”
― April Mae Monterrosa
I am lucky we are hiking together this evening.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
"I was on a date with this really hot model. Well, it wasn’t really a date-date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie. Then the plane landed." — Dave Attell
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Enjoy every second of Sunday, for when you least expect Monday comes to haunt you.”
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.”
- Mary Bly.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
What sound does a bouncy plane make?
Boeing.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
People write Congrats because spelling Congrajlashins is hard.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
“They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.” Joseph Addison.
Why can't you use beef stew as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.