I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
The dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. Once.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.
What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady take your purse.”
There was an Old Person of Cromer,
Who stood on one leg to read Homer;
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped over the cliff,
Which concluded that Person of Cromer.
People are always after me lucky charms.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education."
— Mark Twain
There are good and bad times to buy a flamingo. Bad times are when they’re expensive, the best times are when they’re cheep.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and julius ceaser walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
The last time I saw a body like yours, I was burying it in my basement.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.
Thank you for teaching me about bargaining
It means a great deal.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Why are the Irish so concerned about global warming?
They’re really into green living.
What is a popular videogame for young utensils?
Fork Knife.
What did one water bottle ask the other water bottle?
Water you doing today?
Say this aloud: Eye Yam Stew Peed
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.
“Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women; a little bit of support and a little bit of freedom.” - Jerry Seinfeld
I was just reading an article called "10 most scenic runs"... the third one was with you!
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What’s the difference between a gross bus stop and a crab with large breasts?
One’s a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
What is a dog’s favorite brand of whiskey?
Jack Spaniels.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
“The thing about quotes from the Internet is that it is difficult to define their authenticity.”
-Abraham Lincoln, 1973
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Did you hear about the blonde corn maze? It only had 1 stalk.
Mountains aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.