Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm

You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford

Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.

A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.

What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!

I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!

What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.

There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.

Why did the bat fire a chauffeur?
He drove everyone batty.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?

Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call ‘FINE PRINT’!

Why do trees like to watch Star Trek? They really relate to the Captain’s log.

There's side view, rear view and you know what else?
I loview.

Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog!"

How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.

Why are skeletons so good at telling jokes?
Because they have a funny bone.

How can you hear the sounds of a group of dolphins?
Listen to their podcast.

"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous

Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.

Time to celery-brate.

Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.

Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire

If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship

What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.

You're acute Valentine.

I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus

I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.

Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.

He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.

I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.

(Unknown)

Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling

What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!

What's a frog's favorite game?
Hop-scotch (or leapfrog).

My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.

Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?

What is a car’s favourite element?

Carbon.

How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.

Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.

I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!

What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.

Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them.

I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.

Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".

Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.

Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww