What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
The hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
What did a sign say outside the pet shop? Buy 1 dog get 1 flea!
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Irish you were beer.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
There was an Old Man of Madras,
Who rode on a cream-coloured ass;
But the length of its ears,
So promoted his fears,
That it killed that Old Man of Madras.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
Flamingos are great to go out with, because they all party like flock stars.
Asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health insurance.
Why are volcanos so nice?
They lava you.
“I’m getting used to wearing flip-flops everywhere. It’s a dangerous place to be. Next thing you know, I’m gonna show to a board meeting in sandals.”
“Once you sign on to be a mother, 24/7 is the only shift they offer.”
- Jodi Picoult.
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
How do you know if a spine finds you funny?
It starts cracking up.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap? Because it was on shale.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
What is a fairy’s favorite drink?
Sprite.
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
Well, I’m definitely Madel-interested
Let’s shell-ebrate good times and tan lines.
"Don’t worry about what other people think. They don’t do it very often."
Anonymous
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
“I don’t get it. The trail looked so flat on the map.”
I was watching a new cooking show where you only get to pick one pan to use the whole time…
It's called, "Do You Have The Skillet Takes?!"
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Hi, I'm a zombie, can I eat you?
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
How do you draw flies?
With a pencil!
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!