What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call an elephant that never washes?
A smelly-phant.
The computer wanted to get out of the house, so it used the Windows.
As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.
What did the bear say when her date showed up too early?
I’ll be out in a minute, I’m bearly dressed.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Why do trees make the worst enemies?
Because they are the best at throwing shade.
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
I just built a car out of a washing machine.
I’ll be taking it for a spin later.
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
“But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.”
- Carl Sagan
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
How do you drown a blonde? Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
I'm the life of the paddy.
A wife walked into the bedroom and found her husband in bed with his golf clubs. Seeing the astonished look on her face, he calmly said, "Well, you said I had to choose, right?"
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
Arrrr. Wanna search me for buried treasure?
My grandfather had the heart of a tiger
And a lifetime ban at the zoo
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
"I love you more than coffee but not always before coffee." - Unknown
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Life is better when we stick together.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What do you call a camel with 3 humps?
Humphreys
Hi, my name is Cage and if I had a nickel for every time I told a funny joke...
I would be Nickeless Cage.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
What do we call a flock of sheep that tumbles down a mountain? They are called a lamb-slide.
- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
I like you, you croc my world.
I would ask for Netflix and Chill, but you look like you are into more interactive stories.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
If there were ten cats in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left? None, because they were all copycats!