The fact that we were asked to leave our beautiful purple color house by the owner is still purplexing for me.
Do you know what they say about hockey players? They can always find the opening!
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Show your popcorn and coke guy at the movies a little appreciation. After all, he makes a lot of concessions.
"I Love to Hate You"
Just one look at you
Tempting me, teasing me, tormenting me
I hate the feelings you evoke
Greed
Desire
Lust
Just want to hold you, devour you
I don’t want to see you go
But I can never resist the last chocolate in the box!
— Jan Allison
I was trying to come up with a witty pun but my brain was like Han,nah
I was watching a chess champion vs a boxing champion match.
The chess player had a mean right rook!
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Once there was an elephant,
Who tried to use the telephant—
No! No! I mean an elephone
Who tried to use the telephone—
(Dear me! I am not certain quite
That even now I’ve got it right.)
Howe’er it was, he got his trunk
Entangled in the telephunk;
The more he tried to get it free,
The louder buzzed the telephee—
(I fear I’d better drop the song
Of elephop and telephong!)
(Laura E. Richards)
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
I went to a new kind of show yesterday, which was hosted by a color-changing lizard. He was a good stand-up chameleon.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
When girls say they want a guy who can sweep them off their feet...
they do know that there’s a janitor ready for the job, right?
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
I hope you're ready to spend some koalaty time together.
My deaf girlfriend just told me, “We need to talk.”
That is not a good sign.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Halloween was nearly over, and the zombie was hurrying to get back to her tomb before the sun came up.
She was rushing so much, she didn't even notice the headstone was the wrong shape before she got in. It was a grave mistake.
How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.
Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
You can toast my marshmallows anytime.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
I wanna bob for your apples.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
"Love the wine you're with."
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.