"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will sure show you.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
"Snack time heals all wounds."
— Bridger Winegar
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Why did the owl invite his friends over?
He didn't want to be owl by himself.
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion; it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
Are you from Mars? ‘cuz I wanna explore you with curiosity?
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
What is a vector’s favorite band? One Direction!
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What is a knight who has traveled all across the earth with a ship known as? He is known as Sir Cumnavigator.
What does a Triceratops sit on? Its Tricera-bottom.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
I love lamps.
They're so enlightening.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
Saw what I thought was a large dog coloring Easter eggs.
Turned out to be a dyer wolf.
"If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself." - Anonymous
Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple. -- Thomas Paine
“I think the perfect gift to give anyone in the winter is a heated toilet seat.”
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
hat do you call it when a runner from Moscow starts a race at Red Square that ends in Finland?
Russian to the Finnish.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Do you like Dave Brubeck? ‘Cos I think we need to Take 5.
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
If I asked you out, could the answer be Ameli-yeah?
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
Why do witches fly on broomsticks?
Because vacuum cleaner cords aren’t long enough.
Did you know that back in medieval times, soldiers would sleep with lanterns next to them so they could see if something happened.
They were called "Knight Lights"