Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
I can't find my humidifier anymore...
I have reported it misting.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What do 99 percent of pigs ask for on their hamburgers? Piggles.
Do you want some raisin? How about some jam to go with it.
A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in a chair.
The dentist said "Open Wide" "I can't" The blonde said. "This chair has arms"
This morning my son said to me, "Can I have a book mark?"
I burst into tears. Ten years old and he still doesn't know my name is Steve.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
How is a pig’s tail like 4 o’clock in the morning? It’s twirly.
I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.
It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Where can you read about planets exploding?
In the orbituaries.
“It is a grave error to assume that ice cream consumption requires hot weather.”
- Anne Fadiman
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
What do you call a group of rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hareline
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why was the Geologist expelled from Reform School? He was a dirty layer!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
“I need to get up; my coffee needs me.”
— Unknown
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
Your Zygomaticus Major is the best thing that I have witnessed.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.