More places are charging fees to iron my clothes after they launder them...
I guess the free press is under siege!
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
did he just bust a move?
Why did the doctor cross the road?
Hard to say really. Could be any number of reasons.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
“My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.”
― Henny Youngman
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Why did Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey tea? Because all proper tea is theft.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
How did the monster predict his future?
With the horror-scope!
I can't stand stair lifts.
They drive me up the wall!
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Readers do it between the covers (or alternately, readers do it between the sheets).
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
I like big punts and I cannot lie
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What do you think
The bravest drink
Under the sky?”
“Strong beer,” said I.
“There’s a place for everything,
Everything, anything,
There’s a place for everything
Where it ought to be:
For a chicken, the hen’s wing;
For poison, the bee’s sting;
For almond-blossom, Spring;
A beerhouse for me.”
“There’s a prize for everyone,
Everyone, anyone,
There’s a prize for everyone,
Whoever he may be:
Crags for the mountaineer,
Flags for the Fusilier,
For English poets, beer!
Strong beer for me!
(Robert Graves)
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Man: "Voulez-vous vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" (Would you like to go to bed with me tonight?)
Woman: "Je voudrais bien, mais je n'ai rien a porter." (I would love to, but I have nothing to wear.)
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.
Why are gnomes so pragmatic?
They don’t have tall tales.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.