the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What do you call a guy who only rides children's bicycles?
A pedalphile
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
I just lost a key on my keyboard
Now its all out of control.
Sorry lady, I'll have to eat you after dinner.
Because you're a snack!
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,--
No one heard such a scream
As was screamed by that Lady from Russia.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
What do werewolf like for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What do Egyptian Pharaoh's and sandwich filling have in common?
They're both in bread.
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you...
I'd start thinking about you.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Where would you find Hadrian's Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
"Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love." — Albert Einstein
You raise the bar.
I know somebody that thinks they might like you a lot. And if I wasn’t so shy, I would tell you who it is.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
Why did the zebra cross the road?
Because it was a zebra crossing.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
Claude Pepper
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.
My dad works in a steel plant.
He says it's very riveting.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
“I don’t have to look up my family tree, because I know that I’m the sap.”—Fred Allen
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast