Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
If you were a flower, I would pick you.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Would you allow me to experience what’s beyond your Event Horizon?
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
Are you an audiobook? Because I want to listen to you forever.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? He pasta way.
“Half the modern could drugs well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.”
Unknown
Do you know how to drive stick? Because I sure as hell do.
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
— Unknown
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
The satellite went into the orbit, right on January 1st, causing a New Year’s revolution.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
What are bald sea captains most worried about?
Cap sizes.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
“Winter is nature’s way of saying, ‘Up yours.’”
My real costume is at home in a box under my bed.
It's been a hard day's night without your lovin', Oh darling.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
Acowboy enters the saloon
"Who painted my horse blue??"
A huge guy stands up, and walks right into the cowboy's face.
"It was me, you have a problem with that?"
"No...I just wanted to let you know that it's dry and ready for the second coating."
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
You're not just some bunny... you're my bunny.
We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
This is snow laughing matter!
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Want to be workout buddies?
Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy.
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
If you were a sentence, I'd be the punctuation mark because I'd always follow you no matter what.