Are you a vegan?
'Cause I yam.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
Where do squirrels go when they have a nervous breakdown?
To the nut-house.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
Q: Did you hear the one about the virus?
A: Never mind, I don't want to spread it around.
"A three year old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm." – Bill Vaughan
How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cab driver.
Zach Galifianakis
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
"I want to do with you what spring does with the cherry trees."
― Pablo Neruda, Twenty Love Poems and A Song of Despair
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What sound does a Greek cow make?
"μ"
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Does your left eye hurt? Because you’ve been looking right all day.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
It’s snow joke.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
My weekend is fully booked.
"There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one." ~ Jack Yelton
Q: What do you call a freezing bird?
A: Brrrrrrrrrdddd
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."