What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
Hey baby, are you the Earth? Because all things are attracted to you...
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh
(Anonymous)
Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
A man and his lady-love, Min,
Skated out where the ice was quite thin.
Had a quarrel, no doubt,
For I hear they fell out,
What a blessing they didn't fall in!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be” — unknown
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Hey girl, are you on the endangered species list? 'Cause baby you are one of a kind!
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
What kind of monkey likes seafood?
A shrimpanzee.
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
In my grandparents time, an orange was considered a treat from Santa. Now kids want an apple.
Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
Why did the monkey like the banana? Because it had appeal!
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
Can an Australian with poor vision clearly see the moon?
No, but a "good eye might."
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
I hate to Gauguin, but I have to catch my flight.
Is that a telescope in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
What did the homeless man get for christmas?
Nothing.
The medieval king was very excited when the engineer told him that he could get him a castle at very little price. Turns out, the engineer indeed built a castle but it was a bouncy one.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
Why do trees always get hired? They have the right qual-leaf-ications.
Why did the worm cross the ruler?
To become an inchworm