We were all sturtled by the incoming news.
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
If you were a laser, you'd be set on stunning.
"If we shake out all of the crumbs from all of the keyboards in the world, we can end world hunger."
— Matthew Dolkart
With my IQ and your body we could begin a race of genetic superchildren to conquer the earth.
What do you think they use in space, when they run out of the drinking cups? The Big Dipper.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite game?
Jump rope.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.
All prominent werewolf movies are produced in howl-lywood.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
Hi, I'm the Easter Bunny and I don't care if you are naughty or nice!
What do you call a clever ant?
Brilli-ant.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
Q: What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?
A: Fowl weather.
I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.
Birch, please.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
What do you ask a medieval crustacean when you want them to feel the music?
Art thou feeling it now Mr. Krabs?
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
How come old math teachers never die?
They tend to just lose some of their functions.
If you were a basketball, I'd never pass because I want to keep you all to myself.
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
When I don't have time to iron a shirt, I just steel one.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.