What do you do if a running back swallows the football?
You have to get him to cough it up!
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
Housework is for people who don’t know how to garden.”
— Anonymous
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Are you my new favorite song? Because I'd like to hear you on repeat.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
I just brushed my teeth, ladies.
Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!
What do you use to brush a dead cat? A catacomb!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Me: Can I get XL shirts here?
Ancient Rome Shopkeeper: Are you sure you want that many shirts?
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
The best way to get your husband to do something is to suggest he’s too old to do it.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
I'm a maintenance engineer and I'd love to tinker with your parts.
What do fashionable mountains wear when it's cold? An ice cap.
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex...
He's a small arms dealer.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Most of us spend the first six days of the week sowing wild oats, then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure. -- Fred Allen
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I can't let it be until I get your number.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I got fired from Starbucks for not changing the coffee filters.
It was grounds for dismissal.
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
“I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell — you see, I have friends in both places."
— Mark Twain
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
I'm thinking about writing a book about lamps. I think its a bright idea
What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw
What’s a glow worms favourite song?
Wake me up before you glow glow!
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.