Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
A lion would never play golf.
But a Tiger Wood.
Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they'll change it back.
It's only a phase, after all.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
You seem a little mer-mad.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
How do you find out how heavy a whale is?
Take them to a whale-weigh station.
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
A muslim woman wanted to adopt a gorilla. Her husband wouldn't allow it.
He said, that's haram, bae.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Why did the fish cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
I love you so much I would eat the corn from your poop.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
Me: Would you like to be the sun in my life?
Him: Awww, of course!
Me: Good then stay 92.96 million miles away from me.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
“I think being a good father is keeping the mother happy so she doesn’t drive the kids crazy.”
- James, ‘Look Who’s Talking.’
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What do you get when two giraffes run into each other?
A giraffic jam.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
Q. What did one artistic colored pencil say to another?
A. Bro, you are lookin' sharp today!
Was scared to approach you honestly, but I decided to take a Nata-leap of faith.
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet
I asked my 15 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
I went to my girlfriend's soccer match for the first time last weekend. She kept grabbing the ball with her hands.
She's a keeper.