What goes: vroooom-schreech, vrooom-schreech, vroooom-schreech? A blonde at a flashing red light

Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.

What is fire to a pyromaniac?
Just a warm-up.

What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.

Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.

What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.

Are you from Starbucks because I like you a latte!

"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."

I scored when I met you.

Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!

I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.

My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."

I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.

Are your highways? Because I want a long drive on you.

Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.

Why do people like storm watching so much?
The lightning is quite striking!

Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.

I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.

What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"

What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.

Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.

What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.

How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son
"Beehive!"

Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.

"Time to wine down."

I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.

I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.

Where do sharks go when they want a vacation? Finland

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

Know what? I dig you, really!

If I had a dime for every time I saw a BMW turn without signaling, I could buy a BMW.

There was a television channel ran by pets, the weather forecast was on and inclement weather was being predicted...
High chance of it raining cats and dogs, howling winds, and a possible purricane.

There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'

You're so clover!

What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV

What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.

“If you love ’em in the morning with their eyes full of crust; if you love ’em at night with their hair full of rollers, chances are, you’re in love.” - Miles Davis

Why was the marathon runner plucked out of the race and taken away to jail?
For resisting a rest.

My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”

What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!

My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.

Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.

"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."

Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.

“If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them.” —Reese Witherspoon

What does anti-humour have in common with a half empty bottle of ketchup?
Nothing.