Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
I think my heater is sick.
It's hot.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
I don't want to make the faux-paw of coming on strong, but your dog is so adorable, I couldn't resist.
I went to Oxford University, where I was a philosophy major and the starting goalkeeper on the football team.
They called me Soccertes.
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!
Aren't you tired? Because you've been galloping through my mind all evening.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
What do you call an elf who hasn’t had a date in two years or more?
Elf on the shelf.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
People argue that the Romans were wrong to crucify Jesus
Personally, I think they nailed it.
I sang the rainbow song to a cop yesterday.
They arrested me for colorful language.
I don't have a foot fetish, but I'm pretty into mistle-toe.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What the Poland man did, after adding German mugs to his collection?
He polished them.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Why did the electrical cords break up?
There was no spark between them.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
Why do werewolves howl at the moon?
Because no one else will do it for them!
Which fish can perform operations? A Sturgeon!
What did the policeman say to his tummy?
Freeze. You’re under a vest.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
What did the detective in the Arctic say to the suspect?
Where were you on the night of September to March?
How do you come up with a secure password to protect yourself against hackers?
Just make it the last 10 digits of pi.
Where does King Arthur throw his stupid knights?
In the Dumbgeon.
What do you call a baby monkey? A Chimp off the old block.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.