Another term for hair that's tied up in a bun is
a hairball
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I installed a sky light in my apartment.
The people upstairs were not happy at all.
A woman inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I'd only have a dollar because you never leave my mind.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
"I took a gamble and chose you, now i believe I made a bad bet."
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
What would you hear at a cow concert?
Moo-sic.
My dad didn’t love me as a child, but I don’t really blame him.
I wasn’t born until he was an adult.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
What clothes do rainbows wear? Thunderpants.
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What is a Leatherback Sea Turtles favorite sandwich?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
“Life is like pocket money. You shouldn't spend it all in one place.”
― Julian Talbot
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
"You round me out." — High Card Band
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
“There is nothing safer than flying, it’s crashing that is dangerous.”
- Theo Cowan
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
Why do you have to wait so long for a train on Halloween? They only run a skeleton service.
Black Beauty - Now there's a dark horse.
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
What are a golfer’s favorite flowers?
Fore-get-me-nots.
I know someone who tried to run away after camouflaging a railway. He tried to cover his tracks.
It was so cold when I turned on the shower, I got hail.
What does a deer hang on its Christmas tree?
“Horn – aments.”
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
“When preparing to travel, lay out all your clothes and all your money. Then take half the clothes and twice the money.”
— Susan Heller
Time to celery-brate.
I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.
If I supply the voltage and you supply the resistance, imagine the currents we can make together.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.