Dublin over in laughter.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree and the owl turns to the squirrel and says.
Nothing, because owls can’t talk. The owl then eats the squirrel because it is a bird of prey.
Why doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
What do you call a mouse that doesn’t like being known about-?
Anonymouse.
Why did the uncouth spud not stop talking during the football game?
Because he was a common-tater.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
“Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.”
William James
What type of films should players watch to improve their shot? Slap stick.
Are you in the Library catalog? I'd love to get you're number.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Roses are red, violets are blue. My heart began to beat when I first saw you.
What was the main job of the bread truck? To haul buns.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor.
He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you'll be able to recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, she asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
“My wife dresses to kill, she cooks the same way.” - Henry Youngman
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants? In case they get a hole in one!
I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER