“What is the only flaw of being intelligent?…that you have to deal with stupid people.”
Anonymous
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why did the cake grow a daisy?
It was made with flower.
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
One night I looked up at the stars and thought, ‘Wow, how beautiful.’ But now that I’m looking at you, nothing else can compare.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
A mean crook going down stairs = A condescending con, descending
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.
"Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one." — Benjamin Franklin
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
I warned farmer Brown not to pamper that cow too much because it would wind up giving spoiled milk.
There once was a man stuck in a stall,
He tried to get out but would fall.
One day a man flushed,
The fat man just blushed,
And quickly ran out of the mall.
There's a serious ear condition that dogs can get, it makes their ears ring all the time.
It's called Rin-Tin-Tinnitus.
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
“When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there’s a reason.” - Molly McGee
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
“I really regret going to a Yoga class today… said no one ever.” — Unknown
Two cabinets walk out of a bar...
One says to the other, "you walking home?" and the other replies, "Nah, I'm cabinet."
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you call it when a marsupial tricks you?
A kanga-ruse.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
I like looking at a chart of all the chemical elements... periodically.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
The ruddy widow really wants ripe watermelon and red roses when winter arrives.
Why was the nice guy such a lousy baseball player?
Because he never got to home base.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
Did you hear about the cow that was lifted into the air by a tornado? It was an udder disaster!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
Which is a Ghost’s favourite cheese? Ghoul-da Cheese.
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Where do cows go on December 31st?
A moo year’s eve party.
"Go home! Go home! Go home! With me."
- Family Matters
The most suitable way to bake a pie in autumn is to bake it to pie-fection!
Don’t wait on me to start the meeting. I might be a hare late.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Well!
Will nobody answer this bell?
I have pulled day and night,
Till my hair has grown white,
But nobody answers this bell!'
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
Life is better when we stick together.