I'm snow bored.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
What did the mouse say when his friend broke his front teeth? Hard cheese!
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Every 60 seconds, a minute passes.
As a substitute teacher, I get up every morning and ask myself the important questions in life; Who am I? Where am I going?
And then I check with the school to find out.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Anyone who is born in a car and dies outside is known as car born die oxide.
I am a mean green machine.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon."
— Doug Larson
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.
But I will recover.
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
Where does a zombie get a spare body part
Second hand.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
"I am a leaf on the wind... in bed."
- Firefly
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Karl Marx is an historically famous figure, but nobody ever mentions his sister...
Onya Marx, who invented the starting pistol.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
I didn't know angels flew this low.
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
The bartender asked the pirate, "Is that a ship's wheel sticking out of your pants?"
The pirate replied"Aye! It's driving me nuts!"
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
Today is your birthday, don’t pull your hair,
Look in the mirror, nature was fair,
Not a day over twenty,
I’m kidding, you’re plenty.
Don’t mean to burst your bubble,
But stop asking for trouble,
You know what I mean,
When you drink that caffeine.
What should I bring?
Just give me a ring.
Elephant or clown?
I knew you would frown.
(Martin Dejnicki)
What did the art teacher say to the aspiring actress? You sure look the art.
You can count on the stars, but you can’t ever count on how much I miss you.
Good thing I just bought term life insurance … because I saw you and my heart stopped!
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.