Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
— Unknown
You are the square to my root.
Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Hey girl, are you gold? Because I'm in Au of your beauty.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
What do fish use to weigh themselves?
Scales!
“Everyone knows that if you’ve got a brother, you’re going to fight.”—Liam Gallagher
I introduced my mouse to my keyboard today...
It was awkward at first, but then they just clicked.
When buying crows for commercial use, always buy them in groups...
That way, you’re guaranteed to make a killing.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
What do you call a man who expects to have se* on the second date? Patient!
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Thanks to you, I’m saddled with unnecessary peelings.
Why did the ski instructor ask for a divorce?
He found out his wife is a real flake.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
Why do astronauts use linux?
because you can't open windows in space.
"Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like." ~ Will Smith
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early"
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey
"Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy."
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
Paddy like a rockstar.
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
He threw three free throws.
Did you hear about the forgetful unicorn mom? She kept feeding her kids milk of amnesia.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
Belize let me hold you.