Why did a pirate leave the boat to get his forgotten cell phone? Booty calls.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors, it's always the first to rose and shine.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
"A man is only as old as the woman he feels."
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
I wish you were on the football team because I'd love to see your backfield in motion.
What kind of dog sniffs out flowers?
A bud hound.
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Are you the sun?
Because you should stay 93 million miles away from me.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!
Baby, there ain't no placebo for what I can give you.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.
My apologies for not flirting, I'm trying to seduce you with my awkwardness.
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
What does Santa use after trimming his beard?
Elftershave.
Feeling fintastic.
It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with potholders.
“Every time I do something silly, it comes off really funny because it’s natural.”
- Shaquille O’Neal
Why do Ghosts avoid the rain? It dampens their spirits.
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn’t — the road moved back underneath him.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy
Serotonin and Dopamine: Technically, the only things you enjoy.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.