What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
Hop on board my yellow submarine and I'll make you twist and shout.
“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.”
W. C. Fields
You: Can I borrow a quarter?
She: why? (if she says sure or something else get her to ask you why).
You: so I can call my mom and tell her I just met the girl of my dreams.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
On a lazy laser raiser lies a laser ray eraser.
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
"There should be sympathy cards for having to go back to work after vacation."
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
What does a frog in Paris eat?
French Flies.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
I love you and I ain’t lion.
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
What did the Power Ranger say after being sent to the hospital?
It's morphine time.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
"I love you in a way that's nauseating to others."
- Unknown
“Aquarians are sort of unorthodox, original people — sort of wack, witty mad-caps who refuse to follow the crowd and go their own way.”
— Joanna Martine Woolfolk
What’s worse than a giraffe with a sore throat?
A centipede with athlete’s foot.
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.
What did Russian do after they made the vaccine ?
They Put-in.
What attracts knights in shining armor even more than damsels in distress?
Magnets
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
There’s a big thunderstorm. The road is blocked by a big mudslide. A little boy asks his dad, “Why does earth fall down like that?”
His dad answers, “It’s terrain.”
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Whatever you do this summer, be sure to make a splash.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Hey, let’s go out some time! Olly’ven pay for everything
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
What do you can an ant scientist?
Albert Antstein.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What never asks questions but receives a lot of answers? the Telephone.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Dublin over in laughter.
Your love is like vodka.
You were worth the chase.