How did the pines and firs end their war? With a tree-ty.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
“Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?”
Jerry Seinfeld
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single.” – Billy Crystal
Do you want to dance?
Yeah, sure.
Great, then I can sit there.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What did the llama say when he found out he had been robbed?
“I’ve been fleeced!”
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
What did the home owner say to the mug shot when he put it up on his wall
"You've been framed!"
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
“Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you’ll be a mile from them, and you’ll have their shoes.”
- Jack Handey
How much does a polar bear weigh? Less than you, I would guess.
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Your hand looks heavy—can I hold it for you?
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
The secretary left me a message saying humidity will hit 90% today...
She wrote it on a sticky note.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
What bird regales you with stories of middle earth, knights, and allegory?
Bard owl.
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.
Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
What did Papa Pig shout at his kids in the car?
“Stop swining! We’re nearly there.”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.
How could you tell the horse was getting old?
It was wither-ing away.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
Omelette you in on a secret. You and I would brie perfectly gouda.
If there's a Tim Horton's chain, should there be a Lanny McDonald's? Or Doug
Harvey's? And what about Ron's Francise?
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
I bought you a refrigirator.
I can't wait to see your face light up as you open it.