Whats the preferred car of frogs?
The Beetle.

Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to answer the door?

Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?

What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.

The expensive dog has gone missing.
However, police are saying that at least they have a lead. Once she is found they will Retriever.

What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby

How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

"Aloe you vera much."

Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber.

Is your Wi-Fi on because I can feel a very strong connection with you?

What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.

Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.

Of all the rocks in the world, I’d pick you.

There was an Old Man of the Cape,
Who possessed a large Barbary ape,
Till the ape one dark night
Set the house all alight,
Which burned that Old Man of the Cape.

Q: How did the Pharaoh get to school?
A: In Anubis.

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!

Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.

What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.

Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'

Do I know you? Because you look a lot like my next girlfriend.

Do you wanna see a magic trick? Watch me pull something out of my pants!

Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!

Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.

I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."

What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.

Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.

I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.

Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.

"Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod"

Herbert Hilbert Hubert Snod
was known for eating all things odd.
The thing that bothered me the most
has he spread toothpaste on his toast?

“It’s springtime fresh, so cool and minty.”
His smiling eyes were bright and squinty.
On baked potatoes, he would slather
one half can of shave cream lather.

I don’t know how his tum could cope
as he ingested cubes of soap.
At times his food choice made a scene;
at least he kept his innards clean.

– Denise Rodgers

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

Do you have any raisins?
No? How about a date?

"I just want someone to look at me the way I look at food."
— Unknown

I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.

When one is Russian for industrialization, there is no time for Stalin.

What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.

How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.

Let’s make like an atom, and split.

Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.

You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?

Where do bats keep their money? The blood bank!

“A car’s weakest part is the nut holding the steering wheel.”

What do you call a zombie driving a Ferrari?
A zoombie.

“A hen is just an egg’s way of making another egg.”

- Weird Science.

My wife asked if I could clear the kitchen table.
I had to get a running start but I made it.

What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.

What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!