"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
What did the thunderstorm say to the lightning rod?
You'll never catch me, copper!
I once knew a priest that only ate microwave soup.
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Hey, are you Oscar? Because I really want to win you...
“What do you call an elf that runs away from Santa’s Workshop? A rebel without a Claus.”
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Iran!
Iran who?
Iran over here to tell you this!
All you need is MY love
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
Do you know how to hop? Because your body is in top form.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
What do they call the Hunger Games in France?
Battle Royale with Cheese.
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
“Mountains have a way of dealing with overconfidence.” – Hermann Buhl
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
Hey, are you a bear cub? Because you’re un-bear-ably adorable.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko
Fifty is ten past forty
Age is but a number and counting time tends to bore me.
What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man? Big Foot has been spotted several times.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
“Sagittarians are not normally sentimental; however, they can get really attached to a favorite sweater that has seen better days.”
— Therrie Rosenvald
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
Why did no one want to sit near Shrek?
He had terrible body ogre.
How rude-olf of you.
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
I was trying to look at a picture of the ocean but kept having to reload the page, it finally worked after 5 attempts.
That was refreshing to sea.
There's a new erectile dysfunction medicine on the market
Its called mycoxaflopin
What game do some skiers like to play on the road trip to the slopes?
Ice Spy With My Little Ice.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
I see you driving
Round town with the girl I love
and I’m like Haiku.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
A village somewhere in the Midlands
Was harassed by a bodiless dead man,
But sans charger or steed,
How could they, indeed,
Be afraid of a lone horseless headman?
- Jim Slaughter
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.