If you where a sheep I would clone you.
I wrote a song to memorialize the man killed when a piano fell down a mine shaft.
It's in A flat minor.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
What’s a horse’s favorite animated movie?
Bolt.
Who will lead the army of drawing utensils?
The ruler.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
What’s a vampire’s favorite food?
Vampires aren’t real.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
All this lidocaine and I still have feelings for you.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs lying on a pile of leaves?
Russle.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
Once you've seen one Lion eat a Giraffe...
You've seen a maul!
The huddle is real
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
"Don’t be elfish," said momma elf to her son. "Share with your sister."
What key can’t open doors no matter how hard you try?
Turkey.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
Did you know cutlery scams require the most patience?
You've got to play the long prong.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
What will you do when you will see a spaceman? You will simply park your car, man!
There was an Old Person of Dover,
Who rushed through a field of blue Clover;
But some very large bees,
Stung his nose and his knees,
So he very soon went back to Dover.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
You can have that last bag of chips if I can bag your number.
You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.
Why should you never break up with a goalie?
Because he is a keeper!
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.