What reads and lives in an apple? A bookworm.

What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.

How can you tell if there's a dinosaur in the refrigerator ? The door won't close!

What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam

Did you hear about the two bed bugs who met in the mattress? They got married in the spring.

Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!

Promise you won’t Char-leave?

My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.

It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.

How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.

“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.”
Ashleigh Brilliant

She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.

What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.

When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.

Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.

When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.

Keep calm and leprech-on.

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ
The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility.
The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech.
The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior.
The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist.
The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important
The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity.
The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore.
The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once.
The

What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.

Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.

This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.

I scored when I met you.

Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.

It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.

What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.

What

There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.

What do you call 3 knights in a relationship?
Polyarmory

“You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.”
Solomon Schechter

A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.

What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.

What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.

Did the Vikings believe in reincarnation?
That's a re-Thorical question.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.

What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.

I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.

The heavier you are the more people are attracted to you
At least in physics.

What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."

What always succeeds? A toothless parrot! (sucks seeds)

Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.

Whats the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.

What do ghouls love to eat?
Fettuccini Afraid-o!

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino

How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.

What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"