Why was the man with a beard in pain?
Because he had a must ache.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? ‘You spark up my life!”
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Girl its been fun
But im leaving you
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
What do you call a skeleton with a mask and a knife? A heartless killer.
My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk? Dirty looks from the mouse!
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
Hold the sugar, please. You're sweet enough for me.
I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!
“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
Where do bulls get their messages? On a bull-etin board.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
“Mother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.”
- William Galvin.
"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner
What’s a horse’s favorite country singer?
Colt-on Underwood.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Why did the witch stay in a hotel during her travels?
She heard they had great broom service.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
What would you call a jellyfish combat veteran?
A man o' war.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.
It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!