What will a space turkey say to another one? Hubble Hubble.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
It's so cold that polar bears wear jackets.
More candles means a bigger wish!
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
I wanted to buy a book on Albert Einstein's theories but it was on the top shelf...
It's information that's way over my head.
I'm like acetaminophen. I'll make sure all your pains go away when we're together.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
What did the ground say to the earthquake? You crack me up!
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
“No matter how smart you are, you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.”
Anonymous
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
A sign at a music shop: “Gone Chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
If flamingos can’t fly, how on earth do they get about? They use flamingo karts, of course.
Did you hear about the party at the Chinese zoo?
It was Panda-monium.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
What did the ocean say to the pirate?
Nothing, it just waved!
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What kind of shoes do all spies wear? Sneakers.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I put a blanket on a small pepper
He said he felt a little chili
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Demetri Martin
“Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.”
Betty White
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
It took me forever to figure out where my mustache went.
Turns out, it was right under my nose the whole time.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Are you going to a beauty contest? Because you are looking damn beautiful.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.