What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
"Trouble"
Better never trouble Trouble
Until Trouble troubles you;
For you only make your trouble
Double-trouble when you do;
And the trouble-like a bubble-
That you’re troubling about,
May be nothing but a cipher
With its rim rubbed out.
– David Keppel
Why do sea-gulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What group of people always had the highest cell phone bills?
The Romans.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
How long does it take a man to change the toilet paper? We don't know it's never happened. What's the definition of a woman's perfect lover? A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
"Husbands are like wine, they take a long time to mature." —Donatella in Letters to Juliet
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
You must be a Candy bar because you appease me.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
What do you call someone from Spain who lives near the Portuguese border?
Span-ish.
A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?
The Bartender.
What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion.
What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
Sea you at the beach.
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
Sorry, could you turn it down a little please? Your smile is really lighting up the whole room.
"Lose an hour in the morning and you will spend all day looking for it." — Richard Whately
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
What do you call a frog with no back legs?
Unhoppy.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What did the baby corn say to the mother corn?
Where's popcorn?
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What did the artist tell his greatest nemesis? I challenge you to a doodle!
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
"I lava you."
Why did the balloon burst? Because is saw a lolly pop.
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.