What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
Sigmund Freud
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
They figured it was the best way to break the ice.
How did the struggling leaf get the job? He got the right qua-leaf-ications.
“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." ~ Herbert Hoover
It’s the fawn of a new day! - said the deer happily after waking up.
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Why was the pig crying? Because he was boar-ed to tears.
Excuse me, I think I'm lost. Is this the bar or the musem? You're just a piece of art.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
Shake your shamrocks.
A potato chip is something
Never ceasing to amuse.
I love it's funny wrinkles
And the crunchy way it chews.
(Anthony Gallagher)
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
There's a basic difference between weather and climate: you can't weather a tree, but you can definitely climate.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
There was an Old Man of Aôsta,
Who possessed a large cow, but he lost her;
But they said, 'Don't you see
She has rushed up a tree?
You invidious Old Man of Aôsta!'
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
Why did the skeleton go to the daycare?
To get his Kidneys.
Rabbits are trying to eat away my old Toyota!
Mechanic said it could be car rot.
(give a dozen plastic roses) "I'll stop loving you, when these roses die.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
A sad bullet comes home to his family.
"Honey you look terrible!" Exclaims his wife. "What happened?"
"I got fired."
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
When a pig takes out a loan, he becomes a boar-ower.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
I've always wondered if it was easy to catch Bigfoot...
I was relieved when my doctor told me it wasn't a disease.
Have you heard about the street performer who does his act in the middle of a storm?
It's mime blowing.