What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
What’s an elephant’s favorite sport?
Squash.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
"Sip, sip hooray."
I'm not saying my grandpa was unlucky but he died in the middle of the desert.
Witnesses said it was the most unusual shark attack they've ever seen.
Hey babe, can I colonize your land and exploit you for your natural resources.
“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.
How do you kiss someone at the end of the world?
On the apoca-lips.
I think I might become an astronomer because I’m very fascinated with Uranus
Where do computers go to dance?
The disk-O.
It's ice to meet you.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
You can virtually stay in any room. The only one you can’t is the mush-room because it is reserved for fungi.
You must be a keyboard. Because you're just my type.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Why was the geologist always depressed?
He had a hard rock life.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
"Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years." - Oscar Wilde
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
Why did the cat get divorced?
He was a cheetah.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean?
Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.
My wife used to love being called my trophy wife.
Until she overheard me explain to my friends that it's a Participation Trophy.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
She fell into the bath tub.
she fell into the sink.
she fell into the rasberry jam.
and came out pink!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.