A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.

What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

There once was a lad from West Philly
Who played basketball and got silly
He fought with some brothers
Which worried his mother
Now he's know as Bel Air's Fresh Prince, Willy

If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.

Blue and orange are always polite and amicable with each other because they are complementary colors.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.

Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.

Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.

A quadriplegic man became famous playing beautiful piano classics with only his nose, ears, chin, and forehead.
Before going on stage to perform, his tour manager would say, "Alright John. It's time to face the music."

What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!

What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.

Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.

Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!

A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.

"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.

Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.

“Friends give you a shoulder to cry on. But best friends are ready with a shovel to hurt the person that made you cry.”
— Unknown

It’s so hot I set the house on fire just to cool off.

I give roughing a whole new definition.

Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.

Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.

What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.

What goes up when rain starts to come down?
Umbrellas.

I love a good shindig. Just call me Napoleon Bonapart-y.

When are you due back in heaven?

What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana

I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.

Do you know what's on the menu tonight, girl?
Me 'n' U.

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper

What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store? It was quite an oar deal.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

Please stop with all the corona jokes.
I‘m sick of it.

Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?

My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.

I’m invisible. [Really?] Can you see me? [Yes]. How about tomorrow night?

What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!

What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwear!

We were mermaid for each other.

There once was a person named Ned,
Who had nary a hair on his head.
He pated his pate
and bemoaned his fate,
And went to hide under his bed.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?
They prefer Wight Castle.

Namastay here or come home with me?

What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs