“I travel a lot, I hate having my life disrupted by routine.”
– Caskie Stinnett
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
My hypochondriac brother just told me he thinks he's got a brain tumor.
I told him not to worry, it's probably all in his head.
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
My wife told me to stop eating Christmas leftovers out the fridge...
But I just can’t quit cold turkey
Hey baby, my body's like Ontario. Yours to discover.
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
I think you’re dandelion.
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What types of songs do planets sing?
Nep-tunes.
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Are you one of Job's daughters?
Because you're twice as beautiful as any other girl I've ever seen.
You must be regulated by the FDA because you treat, cure, and prevent my broken heart.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Why didn’t the skeleton laugh at the joke?
Because he didn’t have a funny bone.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
What do you call it when you spill your drink all over a piano?
Rag time.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Is your name Misty? You look so good in the rain.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
Even the most powerful storms of Jupiter couldn’t keep me from you!
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?
It’s the clam before the storm.
The public investigated a box full of crows because it was a murder case.
I’m a raindrop and I’m falling for you.