Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
What hotel do mice stay in ? The Stilton
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
"The main point of a cruise is to eat until you weigh the same as the boat."
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
How are a volleyball coach and a dentist similar? They both use drills.
What do you call it when pigs attack you?
A hambush.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Sorry seems to be the hardest word to say...
Unless you're Chinese. Then it's 'squirrel'.
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Happy birthday, you're not getting old,
Stay in the game, it's not time to fold.
Wrinkles and grey hair, are just a new look,
Countless experiences, you should write in a book.
“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
- Groucho Marx.
When Chuck Norris enters the room, even the chairs are standing up.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
So in my trip to Spain i got attacked by a bull.
Oh man that's spainful.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth? A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER
The nurse made my heart skip a beat
It was fine after she plugged the life support back in.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
What do you call an and with frogs legs?
An antphibian.
Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history
Is that Genealogy or Geology?
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Keith!
Keith who?
Keith me, my thweet preenth!
Fall arrives, and all hell bakes loose.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
As a mythologist and head of the household,
My word is lore.
What animal could Noah not trust?
Cheetah
Have you seen my lobster?
I'm worried he might by a lost claws.
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"