Men: Bros before Hoes. Women: Sisters before Misters.

Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.

Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.

I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.

How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.

Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.

How many Winter Park ski instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in, and two to say, "Nice Turns, Nice Turns!"

I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.

What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!

Dog heaven must be missing an angel.

I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.

How did the koala bear get the high-paying job? He met all of the koalafications.

“Everything goes better with tacos.”
― Rachel Caine

Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.

What's the best kind of pan to make sushi in?
Japan.

“Maybe Monday doesn’t like you either.”

The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

If you were a laser, you’d be set on “stunning.”

“Why is Monday so far from Friday? And why is Friday so close to Monday?”

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

On a keyboard, nothing is under control.

How do the crows in Texas greet each other?
Yee-caw

"Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults."
– Mitch Hedberg

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.

The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!

Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.

What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.

I told my wife to embrace her mistakes
So she gave me a hug!!!

I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?

Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!

The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.

Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.

Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.

Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"

Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.

What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.

When I see you I get a Dirty, Dirty Feeling so Don't Be Cruel and be my Earth Angel

What happens when a neurotransmitter falls in love with a receptor?
You get a binding relationship.

At what time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve.

There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.

Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!

The only thing tender today is my heart for you

A Viking walked into a bar.
The bartender asked, Why the long ship?

So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.

While teaching about the Mongol Empire in History class, our teacher told us, "If anyone Khan, Genghis Khan."

The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.

“So few people admit to belief in astrology, but I am yet to meet anyone who doesn't know their star sign.”
― P.K. Shaw