Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!

What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.

What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch

I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.

“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip

What is the first thing that gorillas learn at kindergarten?
Apey Cee's?

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.

I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve

How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?

What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”

What do Vikings call the people that cut their hair?
Barberians.

Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.

"It sounds plausible enough tonight, but wait until tomorrow. Wait for the common sense of the morning."
— H.G. Wells

Whats the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moonday.

"I’m so cool that even ice cubes are jealous."

Truck drivers have a great way of settling disputes – they only use their horns. It’s known as a fight to the deaf.

Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.

What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any.

Why was music coming from the printer?
The paper was jamming.

I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.

Get that red light ready, because you and I are about to score.

Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.

Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.

What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.

What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.

What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle

What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.

It’s so hot I saw a cop chasing a thief and they were both walking.

How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Mirra.

Mirra who?

Mirra mirra on the wall, you're the fairest of them all.

What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.

Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.

There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.

Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.

My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”
– George Carlin

Let's do lunge together

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!

Nice Ass-teroid.

Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.

The nurse always carried a red pen in her pocket in case she needed to draw blood.

Deja moo:
That feeling you've heard this bull before.

"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard

What do you call the gladiator who only tackles other gladiators?
Wrestle Crow.