Who gives crocodiles presents on Christmas?
Santa Jaws!
Was that an earthquake or did you just rock my world?
Can I have your number so I can call you anytime I miss you?
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy
I would part the Red Sea for you.
Giving me your number sounds like a fair trade.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
It’s so hot, when the temperature drops below 95 I start to feel chilly.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
Vampires are too easy to play jokes on. Suckers.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
“If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of fun out of owning one.” —Andrew A. Rooney
What musical group do men join once they get married?
The Hus Band!
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
You're as intoxicating as a home distilled liquor.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Why shouldn't you smoke weed during a thunder storm?
Because lightning strikes the highest object.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I really liked learning about displacement in Physics.
It's pretty straight to the point.
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
..... oof !!
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What belongs to you but others use more? Your name
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
The other day I put out a big dangerous open fire!
The other people on the hot air balloon didn't appreciate me for some reason.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
Girl, are you my Spotify playlist? ‘Cuz I wanna listen to you all day long.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” - George Burns
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
You're so cute I could bottle you up in a mason jar.
Why did the bear dissolve in water?
It was polar.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.