These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns

"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."

Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"

Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.

What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache

What are police cars made of?
Copper

My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.

Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.

Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.

Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”

Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.

My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm.
He's their CIEIO.

What is a cat’s favorite class at school? Hiss-tory!

Why is the French Prime Minister never seen in the morning?
Becasue he is pm not am!

What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.

Where do Santa Claus and his deers stop to have a coffee at Christmas?
“Star – Bucks!”

Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

If you go out with me, I promise I won’t take you for granite.

“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie

My ambition, said old Mr. King,
Is to live as a bird on the wing.
Then he climbed up a steeple,
Which scared all the people,
So they caged him and taught him to sing.

How hot does your gas oven get?

What do witches in Australia ride?
Broomerangs.

Are you a bank loan? Well, you’ve certainly got my interest.

Where do the monkeys get their gossip?
They hear it on the ape vine.

What was stolen from the music store? The lute.

What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!

What did the lightning say to the fireworks?
"Hey! You stole my thunder."

“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam

Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.

If I had a nickel for every COVID-19 joke I know, I could buy a whole lot of toilet paper.

Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.

"Can you help me get this pots and pans drawer in order? Something seems stuck here", My wife said one morning.
To which I said, "Sure honey, I hope this pans out"

It’s so cold I swapped my pillow for a grill.

There was an Old Man of the Nile,
Who sharpened his nails with a file,
Till he cut out his thumbs,
And said calmly, 'This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!'

Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!

How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!

“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”

- Ed Asner.

“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

I think we'd grow a great organic garden together.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

What’s gray, squeaky and hangs around in caves?
Stalagmice!

Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.

Why did the toddler cross the road?
He wanted to pet the chicken.